Zlatan autobiography

Missing Passages from ‘Jag ar Zlatan’: Appendix I, things Ibrahimovic hates

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Unfortunately for readers of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s awesomely outrageous autobiography (published in Italian and Swedish in late 2011), our traditional, “human” book format couldn’t contain all of his greatness. Even the English translation included in his iPad app proved too restrictive, leaving literally millions of passages on the proverbial cutting room floor. Thankfully, ProSoccerTalk has recovered one of these curiously-timed passages:

Of course, while I was telling this man how he should write my book, we would often talk about the many things that are wrong with the world. Often, it can be a sad, sad place. But Zlatan is not a sad man, and to give something to the fans that is about anything but my perpetual success would be wrong.  The book must tell the true story of the best player in the world.

But then we thought: Would history look kindle on us if we chose to keep any of Zlatan’s beliefs from his fans? I played the role of history and answered the question: No, I would not.

Once my writer told me about appendices and I agreed they should be a real thing, it made sense to list all the world’s wrongs in one place. Please, do not blame me for their existence. Blame yourselves.

There are exactly 10 problems with the world:

1. Dwelling on titles – I hate this. I don’t prioritize winning league titles (never have) which is why I decided not to win the scudetto in 2012. Yes, it was my decision (the coverage will say otherwise). It made me sick, hearing so many people talking about Zlatan finished first for almost 10 straight years. Soccer is not about individual accomplishments. That title streak had to go.

2. Diego Milito – He’ll always be Rebound to me. If a hat trick in a Milan derby was so important, why hasn’t anybody bothered to do it 62 years? Some questions are so obvious, they don’t have to be asked. Milito will always be the player you buy after Zlatan tells you he’s leaving. Milan will call him soon.

3. 12-yard penalty kicks – Boring. I hate them. There is no honor from making a penalty kick from only 12 yards away. It’s emotional seppuku. Once, I saw Rebound convert two in a Milan derby. Could he do the same from the top of the arc? 22 yards is nothing for Zlatan. Can Rebound say the same?

4. Coachella – Seriously. It’s horrible. I hate it so much. They asked if they could use Zlatan’s likeness for a hologram that would play lead guitar during Radiohead’s set. I said, “Please wait until I’m dead to destroy my soul.” I made $12,000,000 last year and can’t justify spending two krona on that jaded cash trap.

5. Your fake blog that thinks I know the future – Stop being stupid. I hate you. If, in theory, I knew the future, I would not be able to tell anybody. As any young boy trying to hide his comic books from Sanela knows, superpowers can’t be flaunted. You have to live lonely and isolated knowing you can never share your true self with the world. Zlatan is not lonely and isolated, therefore Zlatan can’t tell the future. Flawless logic.

6. Knowing the future – It’s lonely. And isolating. I hate it.

7. Not being able to tell people about being bought by Real Madrid – Silvio doesn’t know this yet, but I have decided I will must bring the decima to Real Madrid. My powers transcend Mourinho’s, so it only makes sense. I already sent a text to the Philosopher saying “Oh, please stay at Barça one more year. You’re my hero and” blah, blah, blah – it didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t, of course. Sigh.

8. Gigi Buffon – That Buffon failed to thank me for Juventus’s scudetto is very painful. He thanked Alessandro, Pavel, David. He even acknowledged Mauro, whose hair was so inferior to Zlatan’s that he eventually cut it. How can Buffon not see that I wanted Juventus to win? I hate him. How else would they have won?

9. IKEA – I am Swedish. That doesn’t mean I know how to put together that couch. It’s furniture for university kids. I am a soccer icon. I’m tempted to buy the company just so I can hide all the screws. I so hate screws.

10. Playing for Sweden – I was forced to decline an invitation to hunt white tigers from helicopters because Sweden has qualified for Euro 2012. I hate this, though hunting with weapons was starting to bore me. I have been told there’s a new documentary were a child uses a bow and arrow to battle other children? Clearly my crossbow has become passé.

I know there are many things in your life that you hate, but I allow myself only 10. I am Zlatan. Of course.

Previews of every Premier League game – Week 26

LONDON, ENGLAND - JANUARY 22:  Diego Costa (R) of Chelsea celebrates scoring the opening goal with his team mates during the Premier League match between Chelsea and Hull City at Stamford Bridge on January 22, 2017 in London, England.  (Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images)
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There are eight Premier League games in Week 26 as the EFL Cup final sees Southampton and Manchester United both out of PL action.

[ STREAM: Every PL game live

With the FA Cup break over, we are now looking forward to plenty of big battles across the league as some teams try to scramble for points in their quests to finish in the top four, while others are scrapping away for their lives at the wrong end of the table.

With 13 games to go, it’s all getting rather tense out there…

Below you can find previews, team news and score predictions on every game coming up this weekend.


Tottenham vs. Stoke City

Everton vs. Sunderland

Chelsea vs. Swansea City

West Brom vs. Bournemouth

Leicester City vs. Liverpool

Crystal Palace vs. Middlesbrough

Hull City vs. Burnley

Watford vs. West Ham

Predicting EFL Cup final lineups: Man United v Saints

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - AUGUST 19:  Zlatan Ibbrahimovic  of Manchester United during the Premier League match between Manchester United and Southampton at Old Trafford on August 19, 2016 in Manchester, England.  (Photo by Michael Steele/Getty Images)
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Manchester United and Southampton contest the EFL Cup final at Wembley Stadium this Sunday as the first trophy of the domestic season in England is up for grabs.

[ MORE: Follow EFL Cup final live

Jose Mourinho’s United go into the clash on a roll after losing just one game in their last 25 in all competitions, while pushing themselves back into the top four hunt and reaching both the quarterfinals of the FA Cup and the last 16 of the Europa League.

As for Southampton, Claude Puel‘s men are the undisputed underdogs but will fancy their chances of causing an upset after beating both Arsenal and Liverpool to make it to their first League Cup final since 1979 and just the second in their 132-year history.

Below is a look at how both teams could line up on Sunday, with some analysis on how it could play out.


Manchester United

—– De Gea —–

— Valencia — Bailly — Smalling — Blind —

—- Herrera —- Fellaini —-

—- Mata —- Pogba —- Rashford —-

—– Ibrahimovic —–

Subs: Romero, Young, Rojo, Jones, Martial, Lingard, Rooney

United have some injury concerns ahead of the final with both Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Michael Carrick limping off against Saint-Etienne on Wednesday in the Europa League. Mourinho believes they’re big doubts to play at Wembley. That means one of Marcus Rashford or Anthony Martial will come in for Mkhitaryan and it will probably be Rashford who has looked increasingly dangerous in recent weeks.

The back four picks itself and with Carrick likely out, you’d expected Ander Herrera to be joined by Marouane Fellaini in midfield. The only other question is whether or not Wayne Rooney will be fit enough to play some part after spending over three weeks on the sidelines.  Zlatan Ibrahimovic will lead the line and his partnership with Paul Pogba will test Southampton’s makeshift defense severely.


Southampton

—– Forster —–

Cedric — Stephens — Yoshida — Bertrand —

—- Romeu —- Davis —-

—- Redmond —- Tadic —- Ward-Prowse —-

—– Gabbiadini —–

Subs: Hassen, McQueen, Caceres, Hojbjerg, Rodriguez, Sims, Long

Saints have a few key players missing for this clash and their biggest concern will be in central defense. After selling Jose Fonte in January, they then lost Virgil Van Dijk through injury. That forced Puel to bring in Martin Caceres on a short-term deal but the former Barcelona and Juventus defender hasn’t played in over a year so academy product Jack Stephens will likely start alongside Maya Yoshida. Can they shackle Ibrahimovic? In midfield Oriol Romeu has been incredible in the holding role and he will go head-to-head with Pogba, while alongside him club captain Steven Davis will provide a good base to snuff out United’s attack.

James Ward-Prowse could get the nod over Shane Long and Jay Rodriguez out wide due to his set-piece deliveries, while Dusan Tadic in-behind Manolo Gabbiadini will be Saints’ biggest attacking threat. They were struggling for goals with Charlie Austin out injured but Gabbiadini has scored three in his first two games for Saints since arriving in January from Napoli.


Where next? Rooney’s agent in China discussing offers

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 19:  Wayne Rooney of Manchester United shows appreciation to the fans after the final whistle during the Premier League match between Manchester United and Arsenal at Old Trafford on November 19, 2016 in Manchester, England.  (Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)
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Wayne Rooney‘s potential move to the Chinese Super League appears to be drawing closer.

[ MORE: What’s the best option for Rooney? ]

Multiple outlets are reporting that Rooney’s agent, Paul Stretford, has traveled to China to discuss a potential transfer to the CSL for his client ahead of the transfer window closing in China on Feb. 28.

Where is he going in China?

According to the BBC Jiangsu Suning and Tianjin Quanjian are the favorites for his signature, while yesterday a report from Sky Sports suggested Guangzhou Evergrande and Beijing Sinobo Guoan were the front-runners to sign Rooney. With the strict laws on each team being allowed just four players from outside the Asian Football Confederation in their squad (plus, a new rule for the 2017 season means only three foreign players can be on the pitch for each team at the same time) there appears to be only a few options for Rooney.

Jiangsu Suning, Tianjin Quanjian and Beijing Sinobo Guoan all have an open spot for a foreign player, while Guangzhou Evergrande — who have won the CSL six years on the spin and are managed by Luiz Felipe Scolari — have all of their available slots locked up with Jackson Martinez and Paulinho on board.

Stars such as Carlos Tevez, Oscar, Hulk, Graziano Pelle, Martinez and Alex Teixeira have taken up plenty of the international spots as talent continues to flock to China. Rooney is reportedly being offered in excess of $43.5 million per season which would make him the best-paid player on the planet.

The all-time leading goalscorer for Manchester United and England certainly seems to have options, even if this move isn’t pushed through by next Tuesday and instead happens in the summer.

Should Rooney move on from United?

It appears that he is reluctant to do so but with the 31-year-old in and out of the team this season and other attackers such as Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Marcus Rashford and Anthony Martial in good form, getting regular minutes will be a struggle for the legendary forward who has spent the last 13 years at Old Trafford.

Rooney’s current deal at United runs out until 2019 but it appears a move to China for one final payday seems like an increasingly likely proposition.

LA Galaxy’s reserve team to hold open tryouts in England

CARSON CA - AUGUST 9: Making his MLS debut Giovani Dos Santos #10 of the Los Angeles Galaxy congratulates Gyasi Zardes #11 after he scored a goal against Seattle Sounders during the first half at StubHub Center August 9, 2015, in Carson, California. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)
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CARSON, Calif. (AP) The LA Galaxy’s reserve team will hold open tryouts in England this summer in an attempt to find overlooked talent for the Major League Soccer franchise.

The LA Galaxy II announced the tryouts Wednesday.

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Players between 16 and 25 years old will be welcomed in London on May 31 and June 1 and in Manchester on June 3-4. At least five players from each city will be selected and flown to the Galaxy’s training complex in suburban Los Angeles for another week of trials.

Former England captain David Beckham leads a long list of prominent European talent that has suited up for the five-time MLS champion Galaxy.

Among the club’s English players, defender Ashley Cole is in his second season, while Steven Gerrard left the club last year.