Zlatan autobiography

Missing Passages from ‘Jag ar Zlatan’: Appendix I, things Ibrahimovic hates


Unfortunately for readers of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s awesomely outrageous autobiography (published in Italian and Swedish in late 2011), our traditional, “human” book format couldn’t contain all of his greatness. Even the English translation included in his iPad app proved too restrictive, leaving literally millions of passages on the proverbial cutting room floor. Thankfully, ProSoccerTalk has recovered one of these curiously-timed passages:

Of course, while I was telling this man how he should write my book, we would often talk about the many things that are wrong with the world. Often, it can be a sad, sad place. But Zlatan is not a sad man, and to give something to the fans that is about anything but my perpetual success would be wrong.  The book must tell the true story of the best player in the world.

But then we thought: Would history look kindle on us if we chose to keep any of Zlatan’s beliefs from his fans? I played the role of history and answered the question: No, I would not.

Once my writer told me about appendices and I agreed they should be a real thing, it made sense to list all the world’s wrongs in one place. Please, do not blame me for their existence. Blame yourselves.

There are exactly 10 problems with the world:

1. Dwelling on titles – I hate this. I don’t prioritize winning league titles (never have) which is why I decided not to win the scudetto in 2012. Yes, it was my decision (the coverage will say otherwise). It made me sick, hearing so many people talking about Zlatan finished first for almost 10 straight years. Soccer is not about individual accomplishments. That title streak had to go.

2. Diego Milito – He’ll always be Rebound to me. If a hat trick in a Milan derby was so important, why hasn’t anybody bothered to do it 62 years? Some questions are so obvious, they don’t have to be asked. Milito will always be the player you buy after Zlatan tells you he’s leaving. Milan will call him soon.

3. 12-yard penalty kicks – Boring. I hate them. There is no honor from making a penalty kick from only 12 yards away. It’s emotional seppuku. Once, I saw Rebound convert two in a Milan derby. Could he do the same from the top of the arc? 22 yards is nothing for Zlatan. Can Rebound say the same?

4. Coachella – Seriously. It’s horrible. I hate it so much. They asked if they could use Zlatan’s likeness for a hologram that would play lead guitar during Radiohead’s set. I said, “Please wait until I’m dead to destroy my soul.” I made $12,000,000 last year and can’t justify spending two krona on that jaded cash trap.

5. Your fake blog that thinks I know the future – Stop being stupid. I hate you. If, in theory, I knew the future, I would not be able to tell anybody. As any young boy trying to hide his comic books from Sanela knows, superpowers can’t be flaunted. You have to live lonely and isolated knowing you can never share your true self with the world. Zlatan is not lonely and isolated, therefore Zlatan can’t tell the future. Flawless logic.

6. Knowing the future – It’s lonely. And isolating. I hate it.

7. Not being able to tell people about being bought by Real Madrid – Silvio doesn’t know this yet, but I have decided I will must bring the decima to Real Madrid. My powers transcend Mourinho’s, so it only makes sense. I already sent a text to the Philosopher saying “Oh, please stay at Barça one more year. You’re my hero and” blah, blah, blah – it didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t, of course. Sigh.

8. Gigi Buffon – That Buffon failed to thank me for Juventus’s scudetto is very painful. He thanked Alessandro, Pavel, David. He even acknowledged Mauro, whose hair was so inferior to Zlatan’s that he eventually cut it. How can Buffon not see that I wanted Juventus to win? I hate him. How else would they have won?

9. IKEA – I am Swedish. That doesn’t mean I know how to put together that couch. It’s furniture for university kids. I am a soccer icon. I’m tempted to buy the company just so I can hide all the screws. I so hate screws.

10. Playing for Sweden – I was forced to decline an invitation to hunt white tigers from helicopters because Sweden has qualified for Euro 2012. I hate this, though hunting with weapons was starting to bore me. I have been told there’s a new documentary were a child uses a bow and arrow to battle other children? Clearly my crossbow has become passé.

I know there are many things in your life that you hate, but I allow myself only 10. I am Zlatan. Of course.

Report: Barcelona eyeing Nathaniel Clyne to fill right back gap

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - JANUARY 17:  Nathaniel Clyne of Liverpool clears the ball during the Barclays Premier League match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield on January 17, 2016 in Liverpool, England.  (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)
Alex Livesey/Getty Images
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When Dani Alves left Barcelona to join Juventus over the summer, the Blaugrana appeared to have the right back vacancy covered.

[ MORE: Guardiola says he needs “time to learn, to improve”

However, manager Luis Enrique appears to be turning his attention to the Premier League in order to replace the versatile Brazilian defender.

[ MORE: Tony Pulis extends contract with West Brom ]

According to SunSport, Barcelona is prepared to approach Liverpool’s Nathaniel Clyne during the winter transfer window as the Spanish giants look to lock down the right back position.

The 25-year-old is reportedly seen as a significant upgrade from Sergi Roberto and Aleix Vidal, both of whom have been tabbed as starters this season for Barcelona.

Clyne has appeared in 12 matches this PL season for the Reds, who currently sit tied atop the Premier League with Manchester City and Arsenal on points.

In addition to Clyne, SunSport reports that Glen Johnson is also a consideration for the Blaugrana, however, the 32-year-old is certainly not a first option for Enrique and Barcelona given his age and drop in form.

MLS Conference Semis preview: Compelling match-ups all around

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA - JUNE 23:  Landon Donovan of the United States celebrates with team mate Tim Howard after victory that sends the USA through to the second round during the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa Group C match between USA and Algeria at the Loftus Versfeld Stadium on June 23, 2010 in Tshwane/Pretoria, South Africa.  (Photo by Phil Cole/Getty Images)
Photo by Phil Cole/Getty Images
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One of Major League Soccer’s most wide open new rivalries headlines a glorious quartet of first legs when the Conference Semifinals get going on Sunday.

[ MLS: Conference semis schedule ]

Toronto FC and New York City FC have squared off five times in a nascent rivalry which has seen plenty of thrills, including a 4-4 draw in NYC last season.

TFC has three draws but is yet to top NYCFC. There are so many reasons to love this match-up: the tactical face-off between Patrick Vieira of NYC and Greg Vanney of Toronto; the combined firepower of David Villa, Sebastian Giovinco, Jozy Altidore, and Andrea Pirlo.

Aside from the postage stamp pitch at Yankee Stadium for the second leg, almost everything about this is wonderful.

NEW YORK, NY - MARCH 13: Khiry Shelton #19 of New York City FC carries the ball against Marco Delgado #18 and Michael Bradley #4 of Toronto FC at Yankee Stadium on March 13, 2016 in the Bronx borough of New York City. (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)
(Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)

[ MORE: JPW talks with USL commish Edwards ]

The other Eastern Conference semi sees the Montreal Impact building off its upset of DC United with a pair of matches against high-flying New York Red Bulls.

The first match is in Montreal, and the Stade Saputo is a big, loud place. Didier Drogba is no longer featuring for the hosts, but Ignacio Piatti has been as good as any players in the league (He deserves MVP consideration but it seems politically difficult to imagine it will go anywhere besides a New York team or Giovinco).

The Red Bulls haven’t lost since July 3, and feature a dominant group up the middle which includes Luis Robles, Dax McCarty, Sacha Kljestand, and Bradley Wright-Phillips. This, too, shall be fun.

Over in the West, we see suddenly starring Landon Donovan and the LA Galaxy opening up against surprising Colorado Rapids.

A Donovan vs. Tim Howard match-up is in some ways an Evertonian and USMNT fan’s dream, but this will be more about whether Colorado’s “no-name” — outside of Howard and Jermaine Jones — team can stare down the star power of the Galaxy. Look for sneaky star Shkelzen Gashi to make his name known a bit more for the Rapids.

[ MORE: Spain may recall David Villa ]

Finally we’ve got the hottest team in the West, Seattle Sounders, duking it out with Supporters’ Shield and Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup winner FC Dallas.

The playoffs find Seattle as a minor favorite since FCD star Mauro Diaz went out for the year and Fabian Castillo skipped town for Turkey. But ruling out Matt Hedges, Walker Zimmerman, and head coach Oscar Pareja is something you’d do at your own peril.

For Seattle, there’s new star Nicolas Lodeiro and striker Jordan Morris, the latter who is delivering at an unreal level (even for a rookie as hyped as the Stanford man).

All of these matches have the potential for special soccer. Bring on Sunday.

Spain’s Lopetegui open to recalling all-time scorer David Villa

David Villa, New York City FC
AP Photo/Seth Wenig
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For all the glossing of Major League Soccer as a retirement league for European stars, David Villa’s performance in MLS may’ve rebirthed his international career.

Villa, 34, has 97 caps and 59 goals for Spain but has not played for La Furia Roja since scoring against Australia in his only appearance of World Cup 2014.

[ MLS: Conference semis schedule set ]

He retired after the tournament, but that doesn’t mean new coach Julen Lopetegui won’t be trying to call him back into the fold.

From The Daily Mail:

“The truth is that I saw him very well and playing with a lot of intensity,” Lopetegui told Onda Cero.

“Villa continues to play at a very good level and in the future we will see if he can return. We don’t close the door to any player and we always have consideration for players that can help the national team.”

He’s Spain’s all-time leading scorer by a 15-goal margin, and Villa’s prolific rate .6 goals per national team game is second only to Alfredo di Stefano amongst the nation’s Top Ten scorers.

Would he be interested? We like to think so, and Villa has been dominant for NYCFC in a potential MVP season. NYCFC faces Toronto FC in the first leg of the Eastern Conference semifinals on Sunday.

Prince-Wright’s Premier League picks – Week 10

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Week 10 of the Premier League is here as we are a quarter of the way into the season. It’s still ridiculously tight across the league.

[ STREAM: Every PL game live ] 

If you, like me, love to dissect all the games and predict what the score will be and which team will win, I encourage you to get involved in the comments section below. Let’s have a bit of fun.

Okay, so I’ve consulted my crystal ball and here’s how we see things panning out. Click play on the videos below to hear my score prediction and preview of each game.

[ VIDEOS: Preview all 10 games ]

With the first section labelled “basically, free money” for the picks I think are dead certs. The section labelled “don’t touch this” means if you’re betting I advise you to stay clear, while the “so you’re telling me there’s a chance” section are the longshots. If it is better odds you are after, those are the picks to go for.


Sunderland 0-2 Arsenal – (Saturday, 7:30 a.m. ET, NBCSN) – [STREAM]

Man United 3-0 Burnley – (Saturday, 10 a.m. ET, NBCSN) – [STREAM]

Crystal Palace 1-3 Liverpool – (Saturday, 12:30 p.m. ET, NBC) – [STREAM]


West Brom 1-2 Man City – (Saturday, 10 a.m. ET, Premier League Extratime) – [STREAM]

Everton 2-2 West Ham – (Sunday, 9:30 a.m. ET, NBCSN) – [STREAM]

Tottenham 2-1 Leicester City – (Saturday, 10 a.m. ET, CNBC) – [STREAM]

Stoke City 2-1 Swansea City – (Monday, 4 p.m. ET, NBCSN) – [STREAM]

Watford 3-2 Hull City – (Saturday, 10 a.m. ET, Premier League Extratime) – [STREAM]


Middlesbrough 1-0 Bournemouth – (Saturday, 10 a.m. ET, Premier League Extratime) – [STREAM]

Southampton 1-1 Chelsea – (Sunday, 12 p.m. ET, NBC) – [STREAM]