Zlatan autobiography

Missing Passages from ‘Jag ar Zlatan’: Appendix I, things Ibrahimovic hates


Unfortunately for readers of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s awesomely outrageous autobiography (published in Italian and Swedish in late 2011), our traditional, “human” book format couldn’t contain all of his greatness. Even the English translation included in his iPad app proved too restrictive, leaving literally millions of passages on the proverbial cutting room floor. Thankfully, ProSoccerTalk has recovered one of these curiously-timed passages:

Of course, while I was telling this man how he should write my book, we would often talk about the many things that are wrong with the world. Often, it can be a sad, sad place. But Zlatan is not a sad man, and to give something to the fans that is about anything but my perpetual success would be wrong.  The book must tell the true story of the best player in the world.

But then we thought: Would history look kindle on us if we chose to keep any of Zlatan’s beliefs from his fans? I played the role of history and answered the question: No, I would not.

Once my writer told me about appendices and I agreed they should be a real thing, it made sense to list all the world’s wrongs in one place. Please, do not blame me for their existence. Blame yourselves.

There are exactly 10 problems with the world:

1. Dwelling on titles – I hate this. I don’t prioritize winning league titles (never have) which is why I decided not to win the scudetto in 2012. Yes, it was my decision (the coverage will say otherwise). It made me sick, hearing so many people talking about Zlatan finished first for almost 10 straight years. Soccer is not about individual accomplishments. That title streak had to go.

2. Diego Milito – He’ll always be Rebound to me. If a hat trick in a Milan derby was so important, why hasn’t anybody bothered to do it 62 years? Some questions are so obvious, they don’t have to be asked. Milito will always be the player you buy after Zlatan tells you he’s leaving. Milan will call him soon.

3. 12-yard penalty kicks – Boring. I hate them. There is no honor from making a penalty kick from only 12 yards away. It’s emotional seppuku. Once, I saw Rebound convert two in a Milan derby. Could he do the same from the top of the arc? 22 yards is nothing for Zlatan. Can Rebound say the same?

4. Coachella – Seriously. It’s horrible. I hate it so much. They asked if they could use Zlatan’s likeness for a hologram that would play lead guitar during Radiohead’s set. I said, “Please wait until I’m dead to destroy my soul.” I made $12,000,000 last year and can’t justify spending two krona on that jaded cash trap.

5. Your fake blog that thinks I know the future – Stop being stupid. I hate you. If, in theory, I knew the future, I would not be able to tell anybody. As any young boy trying to hide his comic books from Sanela knows, superpowers can’t be flaunted. You have to live lonely and isolated knowing you can never share your true self with the world. Zlatan is not lonely and isolated, therefore Zlatan can’t tell the future. Flawless logic.

6. Knowing the future – It’s lonely. And isolating. I hate it.

7. Not being able to tell people about being bought by Real Madrid – Silvio doesn’t know this yet, but I have decided I will must bring the decima to Real Madrid. My powers transcend Mourinho’s, so it only makes sense. I already sent a text to the Philosopher saying “Oh, please stay at Barça one more year. You’re my hero and” blah, blah, blah – it didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t, of course. Sigh.

8. Gigi Buffon – That Buffon failed to thank me for Juventus’s scudetto is very painful. He thanked Alessandro, Pavel, David. He even acknowledged Mauro, whose hair was so inferior to Zlatan’s that he eventually cut it. How can Buffon not see that I wanted Juventus to win? I hate him. How else would they have won?

9. IKEA – I am Swedish. That doesn’t mean I know how to put together that couch. It’s furniture for university kids. I am a soccer icon. I’m tempted to buy the company just so I can hide all the screws. I so hate screws.

10. Playing for Sweden – I was forced to decline an invitation to hunt white tigers from helicopters because Sweden has qualified for Euro 2012. I hate this, though hunting with weapons was starting to bore me. I have been told there’s a new documentary were a child uses a bow and arrow to battle other children? Clearly my crossbow has become passé.

I know there are many things in your life that you hate, but I allow myself only 10. I am Zlatan. Of course.

VIDEO: Can Leicester stun the world? Man United title favorites?

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The Foxes are top of the Premier League and are led by a surging Jamie Vardy but how long can they keep shocking the world?

With six tough games coming up between now and the start of 2016, Claudio Ranieri‘s men will be pushed to their limit but so far this season they’ve been sensational and Vardy has equaled Manchester United legend Ruud van Nistlerooy’s record of scoring in 10-straight PL games.

[ MORE: Full PST Extra archive ]

Can he make it 11 in a row on Saturday (Watch live, 12:30 p.m. ET on NBC and online via Live Extra) when United visit the King Power Stadium? As for the Red Devils, they sit in second place and are just one point behind the flying Foxes’. Louis Van Gaal‘s men have certainly flown under the radar so far and our churning out wins at an impressive rate.

Jenna Corrado and I discuss that and more in the latest edition of PST Extra. Click play on the video above to see our chat in full.

Men in Blazers podcast: The Leicester fairytale goes on

Men In Blazers - Sept. 22
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Rog and Davo revel in another chapter of the Leicester City fairytale, break down Liverpool’s shock dismantling of Manchester City and discuss Arsenal’s slip against West Brom.

Listen to the latest pod by clicking play below.

All of the MiB content — pods, videos and stories can be seen here, but to really stay in touch, follow, subscribe, click here:

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Pellegrini updates status of Joe Hart’s hamstring injury

Joe Hart, Manchester City FC
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Joe Hart was forced to leave Manchester City’s 1-0 defeat to Juventus in UEFA Champions League play on Wednesday due to a hamstring injury, which he seemed to incur while making a spectacular one-on-one kick-save late in the second half.

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Man City manager Manuel Pellegrini confirmed after the game that Hart’s injury is indeed a hamstring issue, and went on to say that he would need further tests once the team arrives back in Manchester to determine the severity and how long, if at all, City and England’s no. 1 would be out of action.

Man City, currently third in the Premier League on 26 points, will host eighth-place Southampton at the Etihad Stadium on Saturday (Watch live at 10 a.m. ET on NBCSN and online via Live Extra).

Three things we learned from Manchester United vs. PSV

Jesse Lingard, Marouane Fellaini
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Manchester United missed the chance to clinch a spot in the last 16 of the UEFA Champions League on Wednesday with a draw against PSV Eindhoven and now their hopes of making the knockout round hang in the balance.

[ MORE: Champions League standings ]  

Louis Van Gaal‘s side failed to take their chances and now have a do-or-die clash at Wolfsburg in two weeks time. If United win, they are in. Anything less and a PSV win in their final group game means it’s the Europa League for LVG and his boys.

Tense times. Here’s three things we learned from yet another 0-0 draw for United.


With Wayne Rooney playing in the hole and front three of Anthony Martial, Jesse Lingard and Memphis interchanging, it was the formation and personnel many of United’s fans were calling for. Well, it didn’t quite work out. With Martial and Lingard both guilty of squandering chances and Memphis failing to get into the game, LVG will be left scratching his head as he watched his side draw 0-0 for the fourth home game this season and for the third time in their last five matches at Old Trafford.

[ MORE: Champions League schedule ]  

United looked labored in attack with Wayne Rooney unable to dictate play from a No. 10 role and the PL side had to resort to long balls up to Marouane Fellaini in the final 30 minutes to try and win the game. Surely they’re better than that? At times in the first half the fluidity was there as the aforementioned quartet all went close. However, they ran out of ingenuity and as boos rang out at full time, it was clear the United faithful was, once again, unhappy with their teams attacking output.

“We are not ruthless enough – we have to score more goals as a team, they were able to nearly hit us on the break a few times,” Rooney said. “It is a learning curve but we cannot go on saying that. We have to change these games into victories.”


After a tough stretch of games on heavy pitches, the way United rallied and grabbed a late winner at Watford last weekend was impressive. However, those battling displays full of grit and detetmination seem to be catching up on them. Fast. In the second half it was noticeable that Davy Propper and Andres Guardado had a growing influence on the game as Morgan Schneiderlin gave the ball away on multiple occasions and Bastian Schweinsteiger was subbed out. True, Fellaini came on in his place so United sacrificed a holding midfield spot for the final 30 minutes, but by that point the tide was already turning.

United looked tired, lethargic and failed to get proper service to their front three and a frustrated Rooney kept dropping deeper and deeper to try and get the ball. With Michael Carrick and Ander Herrera out injured, plus Juan Mata only given six minutes at the end, the main reason United failed to win this game was the lack of drive in midfield and the fact that the entire team simply seemed to run out of steam. With a tough slog of seven games in the next four weeks coming up, tiredness at this stage of the season is a worrying sign.


Yeah, so, in case you hadn’t noticed by now, United are in a bit of a pickle by not clinching a last 16 spot on Wednesday. That means they head to Wolfsburg on Dec. 8 having to win to top the group and bad news United fans, the German outfit have yet to lose at home in the UCL or Bundesliga this season. They’ve won eight of their nine home games, scoring 23 times and conceding just five. It will certainly be an uphill battle at the VW Arena.

“Going to Germany is always tough,” Rooney said. “We have to believe in ourselves and have confidence we can do that, it’s not the way we wanted but that is the way it is and we have to believe we are good enough to get three points.”

Chris Smalling reaffirmed United’s belief that they can go to Wolfsburg — even if they fell behind to Wolfsburg at home in the home game but rallied to grab a victory — and win but the Red Devils certainly haven’t made it easier for themselves.

“We had more than enough to win the game and make the difference in the final game. Coming in we saw Wolfsburg as the toughest game – and we have given ourselves a lot of hard work,” Smalling said. “We needed to move the ball quicker – and if we got the first goal it would’ve made it a lot easier. We go there with hope because we have beaten them here.”