Gary Goals announces availability – Premier League clubs on high alert

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source:  Amidst all the wild rumors and speculation in the January transfer window, one striker has emerged as the favorite to soon be starring in the Premier League — Gary Goals.

The little-known Goals announced his availability to Premier League clubs in need of a striker this past week through a series of adverts posted throughout East London.

If you haven’t heard of Gary, there’s a few important things to know:

First and foremost, Gary is a top class striker. Just how top class, you ask? So top class that he’s scored in every match he’s every played in. Take that, Suarez.

But how can we be so sure of Gary’s strike rate? Easy. Because the man simply doesn’t lie. We know that because he said it himself, so it must be true.

Second, Gary has experience. Big time experience – as in he played against Wayne Rooney’s cousin, experience. Yeah, that’s right. When Gary Goals was on trial at Doncaster United, he punked Tommy Rooney.

Third, Gary’s a bit of a trickster. And by ‘a bit’ we mean he does all types of the goals: free-kicks, bicycle kicks and even the penos. Doesn’t matter if he’s playing 5 a side, 7 a side or 11 a side. Gary does it all and it’s all good.

Fourth, when it comes to Gary there’s no such thing as an adjustment period. He’ll come straight into a squad, score the goals, done deal. This is the guarantee a club automatically receives upon signing Gary.

Fifth, there are a few things clubs should be aware Gary won’t do.

He will not, under any circumstances, play in the back or go in goal. That’s non-negotiable. Gary is a striker, and that’s that. Also, don’t even think about asking him to do rolling substitutions. There is no ‘getting tired’ when Gary’s on the pitch.

Finally, and most importantly, Gary is only considering serious inquiries for his services. No time wasters — and that means you, Wenger. Ya dirty little flirt.

Unconfirmed reports that say Chelsea, West Ham United and Manchester United are all pursuing the highly-touted Goals. We recently reached out to Goals in the hope of gaining more information on where he believes he’ll sign but the call went straight to voicemail:

“Greetings and salutations, you have reached the voicemail of Gary Goals,” the recording said. “I’m not able to take your call right now because I’m either playing a match, out with a lady or hitting the gym hard!”

Gary Goals, ladies and gentleman. Consider yourself warned.

U.S. Open Cup roundup: Poku lifts Miami; Red Bulls, Cincy win on PKs

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While MLS represents the majority of the remaining clubs in this year’s U.S. Open Cup, one side continues to defy the odds.

[ MORE: Minnesota United adds Hearts midfielder Sam Nicholson ]

Miami FC reached their first quarterfinal in club history after knocking off Atlanta United late on Wednesday, behind a goal and an assist from Kwadwo Poku. The victory for Miami sets up a date with FC Cincinnati — who pulled off an unbelievable shootout win against the Chicago Fire.

Meanwhile, the New York Red Bulls and New England Revolution both advanced on the night with wins over the Philadelphia Union and D.C. United, respectively. The Red Bulls and Revs will meet in the final eight as well.

Sporting KC kept its hope of hoisting a fourth U.S. Open Cup title alive on Wednesday with a 2-0 win over the Houston Dynamo. The 2015 winners will take on FC Dallas — who defeated the Colorado Rapids on Tuesday night.

Here are all the results from tonight’s Open Cup action.

Houston Dynamo 0-2 Sporting KC
New England Revolution 2-1 D.C. United
Miami FC 3-2 Atlanta United
New York Red Bulls 1-1 (5-3 on PKs) Philadelphia Union
FC Cincinnati 0-0 (3-1 on PKs) Chicago Fire

Late action (10:30 p.m. ET kick off)

San Jose Earthquakes vs. Seattle Sounders
LA Galaxy vs. Sacramento Republic

Report: City Football Group set to expand outreach with Girona deal

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City Football Group appears on the verge of adding to its global outreach, and it’s next destination looks to be in Spain.

[ MORE: Are Southampton’s days of selling behind the club? ]

The group of investors, which are known for controlling Premier League side Manchester City, are reportedly nearing a deal to purchase a partial stake in Spanish club Girona — which is set to make its La Liga debut in 2017/18.

CFG is said to be gaining a near “50 percent” stake in the club, with the rest of the club owned by Media Base, a company owned by Pep Guardiola‘s brother, Pere.

Over recent years, CFG has vastly expanded its ownership outreach and currently has a stake in five clubs around the world, with Girona set to be the sixth.

MLS side New York City FC, Australian A-League side Melbourne City FC, Japan’s Yokohama F. Marinos and Club Atletico Torque in Uruguay are all part of the CFG enterprise, alongside Man City.

New York Red Bulls ink goalkeeper Luis Robles to new deal

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The “Iron Man” will keep up his amazing journey with the New York Red Bulls, after signing a new deal with the club on Wednesday.

[ MORE: Wesley Sneijder on verge of joining Los Angeles FC ]

Goalkeeper Luis Robles has extended his contract with the reigning Eastern Conference champions, as the American continues to raise his consecutive starts streak, which stands at 157.

The terms of the deal were not disclosed in the club’s release.

Robles joined the Red Bulls back in 2012 after playing in Germany, and the shot-stopper hasn’t missed a start ever since.

Report: Minnesota United adds Hearts midfielder Sam Nicholson

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Minnesota United has had its shares of ups and down in its debut MLS season, but the Loons are on the verge making an exciting young signing.

[ MORE: Wesley Sneijder closing in on Los Angeles FC move ]

ESPN FC is reporting that Minnesota will sign Hearts winger Sam Nicholson from the Scottish Premier League on a deal that makes him a Loon until 2019.

The young attacker is expected to join the MLS side when the summer transfer window opens on July 10.

Nicholson, 22, has played with the Edinburgh side since his youth days, and made his senior debut with the club in 2013. During his time at Hearts, Nicholson scored 16 goals in all competitions for the team.

Last season, Nicholson missed 16 matches due to a significant knee injury.

According to the report, Scottish sides Rangers and Aberdeen were also among those interested in acquiring Nicholson, while English Championship clubs Bristol City and Barnsley also reached out about the attacker.