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Gary Goals announces availability – Premier League clubs on high alert


source:  Amidst all the wild rumors and speculation in the January transfer window, one striker has emerged as the favorite to soon be starring in the Premier League — Gary Goals.

The little-known Goals announced his availability to Premier League clubs in need of a striker this past week through a series of adverts posted throughout East London.

If you haven’t heard of Gary, there’s a few important things to know:

First and foremost, Gary is a top class striker. Just how top class, you ask? So top class that he’s scored in every match he’s every played in. Take that, Suarez.

But how can we be so sure of Gary’s strike rate? Easy. Because the man simply doesn’t lie. We know that because he said it himself, so it must be true.

Second, Gary has experience. Big time experience – as in he played against Wayne Rooney’s cousin, experience. Yeah, that’s right. When Gary Goals was on trial at Doncaster United, he punked Tommy Rooney.

Third, Gary’s a bit of a trickster. And by ‘a bit’ we mean he does all types of the goals: free-kicks, bicycle kicks and even the penos. Doesn’t matter if he’s playing 5 a side, 7 a side or 11 a side. Gary does it all and it’s all good.

Fourth, when it comes to Gary there’s no such thing as an adjustment period. He’ll come straight into a squad, score the goals, done deal. This is the guarantee a club automatically receives upon signing Gary.

Fifth, there are a few things clubs should be aware Gary won’t do.

He will not, under any circumstances, play in the back or go in goal. That’s non-negotiable. Gary is a striker, and that’s that. Also, don’t even think about asking him to do rolling substitutions. There is no ‘getting tired’ when Gary’s on the pitch.

Finally, and most importantly, Gary is only considering serious inquiries for his services. No time wasters — and that means you, Wenger. Ya dirty little flirt.

Unconfirmed reports that say Chelsea, West Ham United and Manchester United are all pursuing the highly-touted Goals. We recently reached out to Goals in the hope of gaining more information on where he believes he’ll sign but the call went straight to voicemail:

“Greetings and salutations, you have reached the voicemail of Gary Goals,” the recording said. “I’m not able to take your call right now because I’m either playing a match, out with a lady or hitting the gym hard!”

Gary Goals, ladies and gentleman. Consider yourself warned.

Report: David Silva out 2-3 weeks with ligament damage

LOGRONO, SPAIN - OCTOBER 09:  David Silva of Spain is fouled by Lars Gerson of Luxembourg during the UEFA EURO 2016 Qualifier group C match between Spain and Luxembourg at Estadio Municipal Las Gaunas on October 9, 2015 in Logrono, Spain.  (Photo by Denis Doyle/Getty Images)
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Despite sitting at the top of the table in the Premier League, things are not going well for Manchester City.

Star striker and leading goalscorer Sergio Aguero suffered a torn hamstring while playing for Argentina, and now he is joined by David Silva on the injured list.

Silva lasted nine minutes in Spain’s EURO qualifying match against Luxembourg, forced off after taking a bad challenge from behind. Silva went down in pain and tried to play on, but asked for a substitution just minutes later.

[ RELATED: Alejandro Bedoya to miss USMNT vs. Mexico ]

Spanish news outlet AS is reporting that Silva has suffered “lateral internal ligament damage in his right ankle,” and could face 2-3 weeks on the sidelines.

With Aguero set to miss at least a month, Silva’s injury could leave Manchester City without two of their top players in the coming weeks.

Silva has arguably been the best player in the Premier League this season, the quarterback of the City attack, which has scored a league-leading 19 goals through eight matches.

City travels to Old Trafford for the Manchester derby on October 25, which falls into that 2-3 week range for Silva’s recovery. In a match that could decide who sits top of the table, Manuel Pellegrini would be very shorthanded without Silva and Aguero.

Alejandro Bedoya to miss USMNT vs. Mexico

GLASGOW,  SCOTLAND - NOVEMBER 15 :  Alejandro Bedoya of USA  in action during the International Friendly match between Scotland and USA at Hampden Park on November 15, 2013.  (Photo by Mark Runnacles/Getty Images)
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Alejandro Bedoya will not feature for the United States in the CONCACAF playoff against Mexico on Saturday, and has been replaced on the roster by Bobby Wood.

Bedoya traveled to Los Angeles from his club team Nantes in France, but Jurgen Klinsmann has announced he will be unable to play after falling ill.

[ FOLLOW: All of PST’s USMNT coverage ]

Without Bedoya, Union Berlin midfielder Bobby Wood has been added to the USMNT side. Wood scored the first two goals of his international career this summer in wins over the Netherlands and Germany, and has scored four goals in ten matches for Union Berlin this season. Wood has been training with the U.S. camp throughout the week for the upcoming friendly against Costa Rica.

Bedoya has played well for the USMNT, discounting his short performance against Brazil in September. In that match, Klinsmann played Bedoya out of position against a potent Brazil attack, and he was substituted before halftime. However, playing in his more natural role as a winger or attacking midfielder, many believed Bedoya could be in line for a start against Mexico.