Missing Passages from ‘Jag ar Zlatan’: Ibrahimovic reacts to Golden Shoe rankings

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Unfortunately for readers of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s awesomely outrageous autobiography (published in Italian and Swedish in late 2011), our traditional, “human” book format couldn’t contain all of his greatness. Even the English translation included in his iPad app proved too restrictive, leaving literally millions of passages on the proverbial cutting room floor. Thankfully, ProSoccerTalk has recovered one of these curiously-timed passages:

Of course, everybody questioned why there was a ranking that had Zlatan eighth in anything. The only time I’ve ever lost at anything is when Sanela beat me at running. But she is my sister, so I let her. I am a good brother!

In racing cars, I can’t be beat. I am the world’s best big game hunter. And if you haven’t read, I am also a best selling author. This isn’t bigging me up. This is just how it is.

So back to why we are here. The European Golden Shoe points say Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are far ahead of me. They are massive players. Of course! But when I was at Barcelona, it was clear Messi was afraid of me. I don’t say this to claim Messi is not a great, great player. Again, he is massive. But there is a different dynamic to somebody who can do everything he can but can also dominate his opponent as only a black belt can.

So back to why we are here. We need a solution. Milan is in first place in Serie A. I’m going to get another scudetto, and I’m going to take us past Barcelona this week at the Nou Camp. Of course! So these Golden Shoe points must reflect this!

So, my proposal: Just ask me how many points each of my goals are worth. I concede – all the penalty kick goals I’ve scored? They do not deserve two points. See: I am realistic about my omnipotence.

The other goals? They were massive. If Cristiano Ronaldo has 74 points for non-massive goals, surely I should have 84.

Adjust your standings accordingly. I am Zlatan. Of course.