Missing Passages from ‘Jag ar Zlatan’: Ibrahimovic predicts another scudetto

1 Comment

Unfortunately for readers of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s awesomely outrageous autobiography (published in Italian and Swedish in late 2011), our traditional, “human” book format couldn’t contain all of his greatness. Even the English translation included in his iPad app proved too restrictive, leaving literally millions of passages on the proverbial cutting room floor. Thankfully, ProSoccerTalk has recovered one of these curiously-timed passages:

So many remember my 2011-12 scudetto as a close race, but it was never in doubt. In 2009 – when I left Italy – I decided I would come back and win the title. I have proof, my words:

When Pep Guardiola called me and offered me all his winner’s medals to come to Barcelona, I said “Stop crying. I will come, but this is my prediction, Bryan (this is what I call people who fear me): I will spend one year with you, but I will not like you. I can already tell you are threatened by me.” It was not the first time I had given that speech.

“Next year, I will go to Milan. They deserve some Zlatan, too, and their kits will show off my chonmage!

“It’s unfortunate that I will have to end Inter’s run of titles, so to be fair, I must break Juventus’s heart the year after.

It was not my fault I decided to do this. Those clubs knew my talents and didn’t fight harder to keep me? Comical. My hand is forced!

This was also the only time the philosopher ever let his guard down. When I told him the future, he laughed and offered me a place in his “crew.” He wanted to call me Ozone and said I beat Messi’s six step, but Kelly was already promised to Xavi. That was fine, but when he told me about the creams they would use for the Jherri curl, I said no. It created a rift. The philosopher was always obsessed with my hair.

These are things you do not know about Pep Guardiola and I have not made up.

I remember telling all this to Antonio before we beat Inter in May 2012. I thought he’d be happy because I was telling a story! Instead, he yelled at me. I should never have my crossbow out of reach.

It reminded me of when I had to drink Sanela’s Pommac because she was being arrogant. She always assumed because she was older she had to be stern, so now I have the club secretary send her 10 cases of Pommac each Monday. It’s our little joke! A lamborghini to deliver soda?

Is Tony a lot like Sanela, or what? He insisted he controlled the future, not me. We all know this is so wrong, but I played along. “By how many points will Milan win my scudetto,” I asked. When he said five, I knew he was lying. The answer, of course, was one. I am not a cruel man!

Sometimes, I imagine people asking whether I feel bad about toying with Juventus. It’s such a confusing question. It’s almost as if I’m trying to imagine what it’s like to feel bad? I always walk alone in the dark.

If you look at the record books, you see I have no reason to feel bad. I am Zlatan. Of course.