The little-known Goals announced his availability to Premier League clubs in need of a striker this past week through a series of adverts posted throughout East London.
If you haven’t heard of Gary, there’s a few important things to know:
First and foremost, Gary is a top class striker. Just how top class, you ask? So top class that he’s scored in every match he’s every played in. Take that, Suarez.
But how can we be so sure of Gary’s strike rate? Easy. Because the man simply doesn’t lie. We know that because he said it himself, so it must be true.
Second, Gary has experience. Big time experience – as in he played against Wayne Rooney’s cousin, experience. Yeah, that’s right. When Gary Goals was on trial at Doncaster United, he punked Tommy Rooney.
Third, Gary’s a bit of a trickster. And by ‘a bit’ we mean he does all types of the goals: free-kicks, bicycle kicks and even the penos. Doesn’t matter if he’s playing 5 a side, 7 a side or 11 a side. Gary does it all and it’s all good.
Fourth, when it comes to Gary there’s no such thing as an adjustment period. He’ll come straight into a squad, score the goals, done deal. This is the guarantee a club automatically receives upon signing Gary.
Fifth, there are a few things clubs should be aware Gary won’t do.
He will not, under any circumstances, play in the back or go in goal. That’s non-negotiable. Gary is a striker, and that’s that. Also, don’t even think about asking him to do rolling substitutions. There is no ‘getting tired’ when Gary’s on the pitch.
Finally, and most importantly, Gary is only considering serious inquiries for his services. No time wasters — and that means you, Wenger. Ya dirty little flirt.
Unconfirmed reports that say Chelsea, West Ham United and Manchester United are all pursuing the highly-touted Goals. We recently reached out to Goals in the hope of gaining more information on where he believes he’ll sign but the call went straight to voicemail:
“Greetings and salutations, you have reached the voicemail of Gary Goals,” the recording said. “I’m not able to take your call right now because I’m either playing a match, out with a lady or hitting the gym hard!”
Gary Goals, ladies and gentleman. Consider yourself warned.