Lionel Messi’s Instagram activity has the world convinced he’s signing with Chelsea

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The Internet, man. We’re all experts and super sleuths, aren’t we? Me? I’m just a satirical comedian, so keep that in mind.

Chelsea and Barcelona (and adidas!!!) are locked in negotiations over a £250-million transfer for world superstar Lionel Messi. We know this to be absolute fact because “Proof” of this blockbuster deal can be found within Messi’s recent Instagram activity, as the Argentine followed @chelseafc on Instagram, a duplicitous act spotted by many of his 8.7 million followers on the social media network.

Look at little Leo, plotting his record-breaking move and dropping not-so-subtle hints right in front of our faces. The audacity.

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That is, in alphabetical order, three of the 97 Instagram accounts that Messi follows. It is also the beginning of a very long, intercontinental, Instagram-fueled transfer saga surrounding arguably the world’s best player.

We can also deduce that Messi is going to Juventus to join up with one of his favorite Instagram follows (unconfirmed fact), Carlos Tevez (I don’t care that they’re Argentina teammates, this follow is about more than that), Newell’s Old Boys (again, I don’t care he has historical ties to the club’s youth academy, he’s going there), West Ham United because he hasn’t un-followed Alex Song yet, and Napoli because he follows Gonzalo Higuain (a former Madridista, can you believe that?) and because Diego Maradona once played there.

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You heard it here first: Lionel Messi, the world’s first five-club-at-one-time man.

Further fueling speculation of Messi’s impending move away from the Camp Nou, he missed Monday’s training session with an “upset stomach.” Right. I played that card when I didn’t want to go to school, too.

Conspiracy theorists have even gone so far as to say, “adidas will help Chelsea pay Messi’s transfer fee,” simply because the London club’s gear is supplied by the sportswear outfitter, and Messi is an adidas-sponsored athlete.

Never change, Internet. Never, ever change.